The A-Z of Domestic Violence

In view of the alarming rise of crime against women, I thought it was important to share my experience and insight with all of you.  There's no denying that men too go through domestic violence and it is equally abhorrent. But practically, men only face verbal and emotional abuse (a woman not adhering to a man's whims and fancies and having an opinion of her own isn't emotional abuse), not the extreme form (physical and sexual) that their male counterparts subject women to go through. I don’t have an animosity against men but I think I relate to women better and women go through domestic violence a lot more in comparison to men.

Even though the problem of domestic violence is worldwide, the rate of domestic violence against women in India is a whopping 70%, according to Renuka Chowdhury. According to National Crime Records Bureau, a crime against a woman takes place every three minutes. Not very shocking, considering how disgustingly and shamelessly patriarchal we are as a society. In my opinion, that's another reason for domestic violence against women. Are we are breeding monsters?

I’m a domestic violence and dowry harassment survivor. Yes, I don’t want to belittle myself by putting the tag of a “victim”. I'm a survivor who fought back, though a little late, but I did! I have already overcome the ordeal and life is amazing! The experience has made me stronger and worldly wise. It has also taught me that no soul has a right to dictate how I should live my life or belittle me or batter me and the same goes for every free soul out there.

Ever since I got out of my mess, I learnt about a whole lot of similar cases in my circle and extended circle. In all these cases, everyone involved is well educated, yet the men and their families have extremely patriarchal mindsets and looks like their sole purpose in life is to tie women down and force them to stay calm in spite of the atrocities. This is an alarming situation and our society has certainly gone to the dogs. Let's speak up against the most prevalent human right abuse - domestic violence!

When I was fighting odds in my abusive marriage of thirteen months, I didn't have anyone and anything to help me figure out what domestic violence was. Like in most abusive cases, I too was isolated from my family and friends. I didn't have much access to the internet either. However, I managed to get my hands on the laptop once and one sentence on one of the sites caught my attention - "it is a vicious cycle." I didn't have all the time in the world to 'google' and look for twenty different articles before getting caught reading the same. Luckily I didn't get caught. While I suffered at the hands of my ex and his family, my parents worried to death for me. They knew something was horribly wrong since I looked all pale and sounded scared to my bones all the time. But that one sentence I'd read on one of the sites really got me thinking. I decided right then that it was about time that I informed my parents and got out of it for my parents and for my own self.

Now, if you're thinking as to why I put up with all the atrocities for 13 months..Here's the answer: I was brought up in a protective Army environment..I had never heard or seen anything like it in my circle or that of my Parents', so it was a completely new territory for both me and my parents..My Dad has always been a progressive, chivalrous man and my Mom - a qualified woman, who has always had her independent opinions..I'd grown up seen my parents being there for each other and at par with each other..I was taught that one cannot be stubborn when it comes to marriage and one needs to mould oneself and make adjustments now and then..What they missed out was to clearly define to 'what extent' one needs to 'adjust'..Since I never took marriage lightly, I stuck around to make things work and moulded myself to the extent which was way below anyone's dignity..I wasn't dating, rather I was 'married' which weighed super-heavy..Married in front of soooo many people..I felt that I would be mocked at, if I walked out..' Marriage' was and still is a sacred relationship for me..But 'adjustment' is made from both sides..I have now realised that the fear of social stigma was a mere figment of my imagination..Frankly, I didn't have to face any of that..I didn't have to answer any crazy questions, no one asked anything..People are too busy with their own lives these days..So, it's not all that bad..Trust me!

I had been thinking of putting all the necessary information together in the same article for other women who're struggling in their relationships for a long time now. A little late though, but here it is:

Dear Ladies,
If I can break the shackles of an abusive marriage and come out a lot stronger, so can you! It is your life, you live it your way and to the hilt! Of course, I do not advocate that you suddenly go bonkers and react to every petty thing and go about abusing men just to prove a point. Marriage is a very sacred institution. But it is important to see the extreme signs and save yourself before it is too late. I’ll be touching these topics in fair detail one by one.

WHAT IS 'DOMESTIC VIOLENCE' (excerpts of the definition have been taken from 'lawyers collective' and wikipedia):

PROTECTION OF WOMEN FROM DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ACT 2005 defines domestic violence as:

1. Any form of abuse causing harm or injury to the physical and / or mental health of the woman or compromising her life and safety (where the abuser and the victim live together in the shared household - married or in a live-in relationship).

2. Any harassment for dowry or to meet any other unlawful demand.
3. Threats to cause injury or harm.

Forms of violence recognized under the law:
1. PHYSICAL VIOLENCE: any act that causes bodily injury or hurt.
    Examples: Beating, kicking, shoving, etc.

2. SEXUAL ABUSE: any humiliating or degrading sexual act.
    Examples: forced sexual intercourse, forcing the woman to watch pornography against her will,
    unnatural and unsafe sex, forcing the wife to indulge in swapping partners, etc.

3. VERBAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE: insults, ridicule, blaming and threat causing harm or injury.
     Just because your partner does not sexually or physically assault you, does not mean that all is well at home. Emotional abuse is a lot more confusing to comprehend and accept.
Examples: partner's excessively violent and unpredictable temper, name calling, ostracizing (not letting someone take part in social activities, cutting off a woman's social circle), blaming a woman for not being able to have a male child, not letting her visit her parental home, controlling her lifestyle and trying every bit to change it completely, treating her as nothing more than a maid, constantly humiliating and criticizing, ignoring the woman's accomplishments, blaming the victim for their abusive behaviour, eccentric possessive behaviour, dominance, intimidation (gestures like they're going to hit you, smashing things, hitting children and pets, putting weapons on display), confining her to the fore-walls of the house, keeping her from using the phone or internet, denial of physical intimacy, putting false allegations of having a bad character, insult for not bringing sufficient dowry, threatening to harm or snatch children away, threatening to kill themselves, etc.

4. ECONOMIC ABUSE: deprivation of the basic necessities of life and entitlements that causes injury or harm.
    Examples: denial of food, deprivation of basic necessities (food, shelter, clothes, medical), disposing off household assets to cause detriment of the woman, disposing off her own assets (Stridhan-definition explained at the end of the article) against her will, excessively controlling her finances, withholding money, questioning every penny she spends, preventing her from picking up a job, trying everything to not let her work, stealing her money, snatching her salary,non-payment of bills, etc.

Other important attributes of the act:

1. The act is applicable to married women, women in live-in relationships and other female members of a family - sister, mother and widow.

2. Secure housing: The act provides for the woman's right to reside in the matrimonial home / shared home, whether or not she has any legal rights in the household. A 'residence order' is passed by the court. Alternatively, she is provided an alternative accommodation by the respondent (abuser), if she requires and the perpetrator and his relatives are removed from the house and barred from entering the place allotted to her.

3. Protection order: The court passes a 'protection order' in order to prevent the perpetrator from aiding or committing any acts of violence against the victim, entering her workplace or any other frequented place, attempting to communicate with the victim, harassing her in any way, keeping her from using the assets used by both parties, causing harm or threatening her, her relatives and anyone who is extending any assistance against domestic violence.

4. Aid : The act provides for the assistance of police officers, 'protection officer' and NGO's to provide assistance to the woman in terms of legal aid, medical examination, shelter, etc. She can file a formal complaint against her perpetrator.
5. Monetary relief: The respondent (abuser) can be made accountable for all expenses incurred and losses suffered by the aggrieved person and her child. This may include loss of income, payments towards maintenance of the aggrieved woman and her children, medical expenses, damage to property, etc.
6. Custody of children: The court grants temporary custody of the child to the aggrieved person or any person who makes an application on her behalf. The respondent (abuser) may have visiting rights or the court may disallow any such visiting rights if it thinks that it can be harmful for the children.
7. Compensation: The court may ask the abuser to pay for any damages caused due to domestic violence -  both mental and physical.
8. Ex-parte order: The court may pass ex-parte orders on the basis of the statement given by the aggrieved party.
9. In case of breach of 'protection order': Breach of 'protection order' by the perpetrator is a non-bailable offence punishable, with a year of imprisonment which may extend to one year or fine which may extend to Rs. 20,000 or both. Non-compliance or discharge of duties by the protection officer is also sought to be made an offence under the act.

STATISTICS: (excerpts have been taken from Wikipedia and National Crime Records Bureau)

1. Around 70% women in India are victims of domestic violence. These include only the ones that are recorded. The actual numbers can be a lot worse.

2. According to National Crime Records Bureau, a crime against a woman is committed every three minutes, a woman is raped every 29 minutes, a dowry death occurs every 77 minutes and a case of cruelty is committed by either the husband or a relative every nine minutes.

3. Women in Northern Indian states tend to have relatively less autonomy and higher rate of domestic abuse compared to the southern states.

4. Kerala tops the charts in terms of women empowerment and has been a progressive leader in the women's rights movements.

5. Uttar Pradesh has a high rate of domestic violence and gender disparity. Average physical abuse ranges from 18% to 45%, non-consensual sex ranges from 18% to 40% and physically forced sex ranges from 4% to 7%. 

6. The National Crime Records Bureau attaches a clear relation between patriarchal family structure and domestic violence. North Indian families being patriarchal tend to foster abusive behaviour in men. South Indian states are more progressive in this regard.

7. Dowry demands often lead to domestic violence. Dowry demands are another manifestation of the patriarchal social structure in North India.
8. It is the most prevalent human rights violation and more deaths take place due to domestic violence than natural factors.

FACTS ABOUT ABUSERS:

1. Possibly your abuser already had those traits before getting into a relationship with you, just that he managed to put up a neat deceptive face. Looks are deceptive.

2. Abusive behaviour can be genetic or acquired by virtue of seeing things around during his growing-up years. For example: if your abuser had seen his mother being ill-treated by the father, seeing his mother's excessively domineering and control-freak behaviour made him decisive about not letting his woman have an identity of her own.

3. Pick and choose their victims. Abusers might not show abusive signs towards everyone in contact with them. They usually choose the one's closest to them and the one's who show signs of submissive behaviour.

4. Abuse in private. Abusers lash out in private so as to avoid any onlookers. The abuser might otherwise seem quite friendly to the outside world.

5. Abusers are highly manipulative. Abusers twist and turn statements and situations to fit their behaviour. They are good at playing mind-games and blame-games.

6. Abusers are able to switch behaviours. Abusers can immediately switch from being abusive to absolute calm when neighbours or cops arrive.

7. Who's the "boss". By exercising every possible force, the abuser tries to show you who controls the relationship. The abuser will snub the victim, physically assault, force himself sexually (marital rape, unnatural sex, etc) or might completely refrain from any physical intimacy. All these are just ways of conveying who controls the relationship.

8. The problem is with your abusive partner, not you. Your abusive partner is the one going through psychological and emotional issues, your behaviour does not foster any negative psychological reaction. In fact, ignoring the problem surely aggravates the violent behaviour. So, stop blaming yourself for his behavior!

Cycle of abuse:

                                                              (image courtesy: www.helpguide.org)

Abuse: The abusive partner indulges in abusive behaviour to exercise power on the victim.

Guilt: The abusive partner might show signs or guilt, but it isn't for his abusive behaviour but for the fear of legal and social repercussions.

Excuses: The abuser plays blame-game and shifts the blame on the victim. He might give excuses like "what you said triggered my temper"...."it's your fault"....."why did you invite your parents / friends when you know I don't like them"....."why did you go without my permission"..., etc.

Normal behaviour: The abuser switches from being abusive to calm. This switch does not crop up from any love, rather to keep the victim from walking out on the abuser. The victim assumes that the abuser has had a sudden change of heart. But the abuser strikes again pretty soon.

Fantasy and planning: The abuser keeps a mental score your goof-up's and how he would punish you. He fantasizes abusing you.

Set-up: The abuser puts his well-thought of plan into action. He corners you and abuses you yet again. He even justifies why abusing you was the right thing to do and that you'd asked for it.

The abuser says that he loves you and begs you to stay, giving you a false hope that things would get better in future..

.........................................but the cycle continues over and over again!

COMMON MYTHS:

1. Domestic violence is not related to any community / social stature:
Women from all class, caste, community, religion, stature, marital status, age, sexual orientation can be victims of domestic violence. Men too face domestic violence, however, their cases are less in comparison to that of women.

2. Domestic violence is the couple's domestic affair:
Domestic violence is a serious crime. It is a social problem and we are all a part of the very same society, therefore, it is everyone's business. Don't just walk around with blinkers. The victim might not be able to seek help or freely talk about it. But they seek people who care about them and support them. So, extend a helping hand.

3. Might not be all that bad:
There could be various reasons as to why the victim does not make things public. It doesn't mean that all is well within the four walls of the house.

4. She deserved it:
No one deserves to be abused. It is a human rights violation and is against the law. Blame the abuser, not the victim.

5. Bad relationship does not lead to violence:
Bad relationships might lead to an occasional argument, not violence. The victim focuses all her energy towards making the relationship "better".  As a matter of fact, no amount of effort on the victim's part will change the situation. The abuser blames the bad relationship for his bad behavior. Discussions or arguments don't lead to abuse. The problem lies with the perpetrator, not the victim or the relationship!

6. Alcohol or drug abuse can cause violence:
Many perpetrators are not substance abusers and not all substance abusers resort to domestic violence. Drug or alcohol addiction and violence are two very distinct issues. There's no excuse for violent behaviour.

7. Stress / monetary problems leads to violent behavior:
Life is full of problems, it doesn't mean that one should resort to venting out one's frustration on the partner. Abusers don't necessarily need a reason to harm the partner. The reason may be real or imagined. Abusers dig for reasons to abuse their partners.

8. The victim provokes the abuser:
This is one of the most common myths which a lot of victims believe in as well. The abuser very smartly shifts the blame of his violent behavior onto the victim. Like I mentioned before, they look for reasons to abuse the victim. The abuser might say things like, "you made me do it"....."you know I get mad when you talk back"..Talking back or speaking one's mind is not provoking. You have every right to call a spade a spade and your partner has no right to turn abusive.

9. The abuser has no control over his behavior:
The abuser generally hits where bruises are less visible to other people. He plots and plans as to when and how he would batter his partner. He's able to switch moods with ease, especially when there's someone at the door or over the phone. Research shows that abuse always happens in a cycle. There's a repeated pattern of behavior. 

10. She must have seen it coming:
No one wants to be in an abusive relationship. Abusers are pretty good at disguise. They might seem like the 'average Joe' publicly. They do not show any signs of their abusive nature until the relationship is well established. Perpetrators maintain two sets of identities, one for the society and the other for the victim. This is the biggest challenge faced by the victim. She fears that people will not believe her. However, the law only requires the statement of the victim. It recognizes the fact that domestic violence takes place within the four-walls of the house and even if there are witnesses (like the abusive male's family members), they will not support the victim.

11. Happened only once:
If it happens once, it is likely to happen over and over again. Sane people do not hit, however horrible the relationship might be. Threats to harm you are just as bad. Do not take them lightly.

WARNING SIGNS:

Watch out for these signs in your partner:

1. Shows jealousy and extreme possessiveness. If your partner shows signs of extreme jealousy and loses his cool, even if it's because you spend time with your own family. Friends are a far cry. If your partner is overly demanding of your time, leaving you not enough time for yourself. If your partner makes a hue and cry over the fact that you hung out with your friends.  Statements like "you belong to me".."you are my property", "you are answerable to me" should make you run at full speed.

2. Tries to isolate you from your family and friends. The abuser passes negative remarks for your family and friends, trying every bit to sabotage your relationships with others, even going to the extent of making the victim choose between the abuser and the family / friends. The abuser follows this tactic so that you do not have anyone to confide in, there's no one to make you see things through and guide you, there's no one to rescue you from an abusive relationship. Never give up on your family and friends. They are the one's who'll always have your back. If someone wants to be with you, he'll make an endeavor to maintain healthy relations with your family and friends. If he hesitates, he has a hidden agenda.

3. Excessively controlling. He will tell you what to wear. All decisions will be made by him. He will not even seek your suggestion and his decision will just be forced upon you. He would give orders. The word 'request' does not even exist in his dictionary.

4. Scary. You constantly worry as to how he would react to every little thing. He threatens you of dire consequences, uses or owns weapons.

5. Violent behaviour. If your partner has had a history of picking up fights, losing temper at the drop of a hat, brags about brawls, gets into road rage, etc.

6. Belittles. If your partner belittles you and disregards your opinion. If there's name calling, like he calls you a b**ch or uses objectionable words for your family.

7. Snubs. If your partner snubs you every now and then. Doesn't let you speak your mind. Tells you that it would either be his way or the highway.

8. Gets too serious about the relationship. If he simply dives into the relationship, it's a sign that he's found his prey. Remember the sooner something starts, the sooner it would end. Do not fall for the "I love you" if you've only known each other for a couple of days.

9. Has had a history of bad relationships.

10. Chauvinistic traits. He believes that men should be powerful and in control, while women should have submissive and passive demeanor.

11. Enjoys sadistic videos. Watch out if your spouse's / beau's favourite movie happens to be 'silence of the lambs'. See if he enjoys sadistic spine-chilling movies.

12. Sexual problems. In some cases, a man who suffers from an extreme sexual dysfunction, may try to assert control over a woman by assaulting her physically, mentally and financially to keep her tied down in the relationship. He would keep a constant watch over the victim. All this is only to cover up for the problem that he's been dealing with and is not ready to accept.

13. Egoistic. There's a huge difference between self-respect and ego. If your partner has an insanely bloated ego, it is impossible for him to ever realize his mistake. Without a doubt, all the blame will be shifted to your shoulders, even if it's his own doing. Such a person is potentially harmful in the long run.

14. Insensitive towards animals and hapless. Someone who lacks basic sensitivity towards animals and hapless people and hits or abuses them, that's exactly how he will treat you. Be wary of such behaviour.

15. Continuous denial of sex. This could be one of those power-play tactics (passively aggressive behaviour) played by the abuser. He might completely withhold sex to have an upper hand in the relationship. This is a form of emotional cruelty as this leaves the partner feeling unattractive and  unworthy. An occasional refusal due to a logical and very reasonable problem is acceptable but not when it becomes a daily affair. If latter is the case, then your partner is plain abusive.

16. Constantly checks up on you. If your partner checks your call logs, phone details, calls up every few minutes to check if you are home, frantically calls up on all phones if you don't attend a call on either of the phones, etc.

17. Is a narcissist. Such a person will never accept his follies and will never make any effort to work it out or change his violent behaviour.

WHY YOU SHOULD WALK OUT OF AN ABUSIVE MARRIAGE / RELATIONSHIP:

1. You have every right to live a life of dignity and live according to your own free will and maintain you own identity.

2. There is nothing called "better" or "worse"..Any form of abuse is bad for your physical and mental well being. Just because you weren't left with broken limbs doesn't mean that taking any form of abuse is any better.

3. Abusers suffer from deep emotional and psychological issues. Studies show that once your partner shows abusive behaviour and you give in, it is likely that he will continue to abuse you. By not renouncing such a relationship, you are giving the other person a license to abuse you. It is very difficult to make your abusive partner take responsibility for his actions and he might not be ready to accept that he needs professional help, which is practically a long procedure and there's no guarantee. You might as well just walk off.

4. To maintain peace at home, you will give up on your right to express or to maintain your lifestyle. If your life is at the behest of someone else's whims and fancies, it will lead to a state of extreme depression and is therefore a threat to your life and mental well-being. Your constitution guarantees you a right to express and lead your life as per your own wish. No one has a right to take that away from you.

5. Many women might go through only verbal and emotional abuse, not physical or sexual. Emotional / verbal abuse is a far more confusing form of violence because most of the times the victim does not see the threat in store. It might not lead to physical injuries but has a far deeper impact.

6. Physical and mental impact: Abuse might lead to physical injuries, hospitalization, permanent physical damage, depression and other long term psychological issues. In some cases, it may even lead to homicide or the victim might herself may lose the will to live and may develop suicidal tendencies.

7. Damage to the kids: They might even be the next victims of the abusive father. They might get physically, sexually and emotionally assaulted or even be the victims of homicide. If not, they would get neglected because of the constant drama at home. Their performance at school might get affected. Their overall growth might get hampered. They might suffer from sleep disorders. Might live in constant fear and go completely speechless. They might have trouble making friends. Even if kids do not witness physical abuse taking place, they can still hear screams and it scares the hell out of them. It is believed that 80% to 90% of these children are aware of the situation at home. These kids might learn abusive behaviour and might repeat the abusive cycle once they grow up or the abuse might affect the kids mentally (dyslexia, impaired cognitive and sensory growth) or grow up to be another victim of abuse.

8. Don't wait around. Walk off before something worse happens!

9. A gentleman never raises his hand. In spite of that, a gentleman will never resort to abuse. If a man stoops to that low a level, walk out on him. He's not worth any of your time or effort. He rightfully belongs behind bars.

10. Peace of mind and a happy future. Most women lead happy and successful lives after getting out of abusive marriages. If you keep worrying about the future, you will never get to explore the beautiful future that awaits you with open arms. You and your kids deserve a happy and peaceful life.

11. You'll get support. There are a lot of women who go through it. Your family and friends will support you. There are a lot of support groups out there to help you out.

COMMON REASONS WHY WOMEN FIND IT DIFFICULT TO GET OUT OF A BAD MARRIAGE / BAD RELATIONSHIP:

1. Lack of legal knowledge: 

Unfortunately, a lot of women do not know their rights and therefore, keep taking whatever crap comes their way.

-Our constitution guarantees complete equality of the sexes. The law recognizes the status of the wife from a subservient member of the family to the co—equal head of the family.

-For further details on the various laws that have been made to protect women in India, log onto:

http://www.legalserviceindia.com/laws/women_issues.htm

http://www.lawyerscollective.org/domestic-violence/domestic-violence.html

http://www.lawyerscollective.org/files/FAQonProtectionOfWomen1.pdf

http://www.lawyerscollective.org/files/FAQonProtectionOfWomen2.pdf

2.  Fear of the society and the social stigma attached to a “divorce.” : 

People might talk, let them. It's none of their business. You’re the one who’s fighting it out day in and day out, they aren’t! Don’t bother about how the world would take it. As long as you’re alive and manage to keep your sanity intact, everything else will fall in place sooner or later. You are not answerable to anyone. As for the society, they’ll soon lose interest in your life and go about minding their own businesses. If you let them get the better of you, they'll dance on your head.The society itself is now going through a major change. A lot of people these days overlook the divorce tag..A mere tag of 'divorce' doesn't define you. It doesn't change you as a person either. So, don't succumb to the pressure. You'll be better off without such a partner. Trust me! You live only once, don't let a bad marriage take you down. Move on..Go explore the world, do everything you couldn't think of doing earlier. One life, live it up!!

3.  Kids: 

      A lot of women stick around so that the children get to grow up with their fathers and at least the finances required for bringing them up are taken care of. Well, in one way or the other, a bad marriage will affect your children, if things are that bad. It will either lead to major psychological issues in your kids or the kids will soon bear the brunt of the same physical abuse that you're subjected to. The psychological issues may range from social withdrawal to temperamental problems.

4. Not being financially independent: 

      Lack of financial independence forces the woman to put up with the atrocities. The girls Parents' spend a huge amount of money on the wedding celebrations, which weighs heavy on the woman's mind. Not being able to stand on her own two feet (financially) just makes the women think that they will be left financially destitute and are therefore compelled to stay back.

      Even if you aren't financially independent, you are entitled to a maintenance and alimony.

      Remember that no one has a right to throw you out of your matrimonial home, if you do not have any other place to go. 

      In the worst case scenario too, lack of money shouldn't be a reason for you to compromise with your happiness and well being.

5. Unsupportive family:

At times, parents of the women discourage them from calling off the marriage. Little do they realize that it can be absolutely fatal. More often than not, the violence only gets from bad to worse. No social stigma is more important than the life of the daughter. Parents should be supportive. Everything else falls in place.

Being a family member / friend of someone who's facing utmost cruelty, extent your support in every possible way..

6. Breaking the habit:

Women, at times, get used to the domesticity and may find it difficult to change the situation. They are often not mentally prepared to go from being married to being separated / divorced. A relationship is meant to strengthen your personality and make you happy. If happiness and peace are altogether missing, breaking such a habit will only lead to a better life. It is better to be single than being with a wrong person. Don't let yourself suffer at the hands of the husband and in-laws.

7. Uncertainty about the future:

Negative future perceptions can keep a woman from treading the path of 'divorce'. Whatever the future has in store definitely can't be any worse that what you're already going through. Get out of this mess and let the future unfold. Embrace it!

8. Commitment weighs heavy:

Some women take the commitment a little too seriously. Commitment, love and respect are a two-way process. You need to the math. If the pain and suffering weigh more than what you get in the relationship, you'll be better off alone. The very foundation of your marriage / relationship was shaken up the moment your partner started mistreating you. The statistics prove that violence once begun cannot be ceased. It becomes a part of your daily routine. The perpetrator continues to mistreat and the woman continues to bear it.

WHAT YOU SHOULD DO:

1. Tell family and friends. Never hide your partner's abusive behaviour from your family and friends. Keep them in loop. Come up with a code word to intimate your kids, friends and family. This way the kids know when to escape and your family and friends can call the cops sensing danger. Share your Parents' phone numbers with your friends and neighbours so they can be informed on time.

2. Record details of abuse: Record the details of the gory incidents, time, place and how it happened. Take pictures of your injuries and keep them safe and away from the abuser. Make sure your abuser never finds the diary where you jot all this down. You would need to same during the case proceedings.

3. Seek medical help. Go show your injuries to a doctor. Don't hide anything when he asks as to how it happened. The same will serve as a document in the court. If you happen to see a psychiatrist owing to the domestic violent, keep those documents safe as well.

4. Avoid enclosed places. When you sense danger, avoid enclosed spaces without a exist. Avoid places where a weapon is kept. Kitchen is a dangerous spot to be in. Head for the living room or where there's a phone or your screams will be audible to people in the neighbourhood  or you can escape through the main door.

5. Memorize important phone numbers. You should memorize and call the numbers if you're in a fix. Inform your loved ones. Call the cops. Dial 100 / 1091. Local helpline numbers are given in the city pull-out of newspapers.
Some of the helpline numbers are given on the 'Bell Bajao' site: http://www.bellbajao.org/home/resources/helplines/

In case of emergency or if the victim cannot immediately go to the cops or the PO (protection officer): Either the victim or someone on her behalf can report the matter even through an email or phone at any time during the day or night. The PO or SP will themselves go to the woman to lodge a DIR and will immediately present the DIR to the magistrate for an immediate order to protect the woman.

6. Be careful with your phone settings. If you use any other number for help, make sure you turn it off when it is not in use and hide it. If you escape, your abuser can track you down through your GPS settings. Make sure you turn off your phone. If you're making calls behind his back, be wary of your partner keeping a tab on your call details though. Call up from a pre-paid mobile number and make sure you delete any number from your call list that might get your perpetrator all worked up.

7. Be careful with your computer. Try to use a computer outside of your home. Your perpetrator might be keeping a tab on your internet activity. If you've sought help online or have scanned through domestic violence pages and your partner finds out, this could get you in trouble. Create a new email account if you're exchanging mails with support groups. Your perpetrator could try hacking into your official account to keep a tab. Change your passwords and choose one that your partner can't guess. Skip the usual birthdays, nicknames and all.

8. Contact a domestic violence support group / NGO in your area. 'Bell Bajao' is one such campaign. The same was launched back in 2008 at a global level and calls on men in the society to take a stand against domestic violence. Once you get in touch with them, they put you through to the right people who can help you. Here are some important links to help you establish a connection with them:

'Bell Bajao' website: http://www.bellbajao.org/home/contact-page/

Email :                   bell_bajao@breakthrough.tv

Twitter:                  @bell_bajao | www.bellbajao.org

Facebook:             www.facebook.com/BellBajao 

9. Support system in your area. Try building a support system for yourself in the neighbourhood. If you fear a violent reaction from your partner on that, do it while he's away.

10. Stop blaming yourself. Your partner's violent behaviour is a manifestation of his own psychological and emotional issues. Don't lose your self-worth. No matter what you do for the peace an sanity in the house, it's just not going to change. The problem lies with your abuser, not you!

11. Be wary of surveillance devices. If your partner has set surveillance cams, be careful about your activity. Even if you spot them, do not fiddle with them. Your abuser might get alert. The abuser might even be keeping a tab about where all you've been. The GPS of your car  and cell phone can give that away.

12. Escape before it's too late. Physical and sexual abuse can get life-threatening. Emotional abuse too can lead to mental illness and leave life-long scars.

13. Be strong and maintain a positive frame of mind. Life is precious. Don't just give up on it.

14. File a formal complaint and get in touch with a lawyer.

15. See a counselor / psychologist/ psychiatrist. It's perfectly normal to get professional help. Apart from professional help, you can talk to your parents, siblings and close friends. But I still suggest professional help. They're trained to handle such cases. Talk it out to your heart's content. It'll help you get rid of the encumbrances much faster.

WHAT YOU SHOULD AVOID DOING:

1. Hide your partner's atrocities from family and social circle. Expose your partner. If people are aware of your situation, they might be able to help you out and rescue you.

2. Retaliate: Retaliation might even get the worst ever reaction from your abuser. Just get out of the situation. Escape.

3. Following people's suggestions / advices without putting your own brains into it. People love to give their unsolicited advice and a lot of times, they do not know even know basic laws. Also, too many cooks spoil the broth. They'd end up having a clash amongst themselves over the course of action and nothing right will come of it. Seek the right help. Friends and family are for emotional support. For the legal help, listen to the lawyer and trust your own instincts! You don't have to prove your loyalty towards your social circle while you're neck deep in quick-sand.

4. Procrastinate filing a formal complaint. If you fear for your life, don't procrastinate. The more the delay, the higher the chances of threat to you and your kids. Also, the more the delay, the weaker your case becomes.

5. Waste time in police proceedings. My personal experience with the cops has been pretty bad and I honesty do not trust the system. The cops only insist on 'compromise' and 'negotiation'. If you do that, there's a fair chance of your abuser abusing you in one way or the other. Let the court instruct him to leave you alone. The police proceedings take 'forever' and it is a common tactic to buy time (for the accused).

In my opinion, you should immediately file a complaint with the magistrate. The first hearing takes place within three days. The proceeding is much faster in comparison to the grilling procedure of going through police proceedings.

Be wary of your lawyer switching parties (a common problem in India). If he's sold his soul, he would insist that you 'compromise' or 'negotiate' or not turn up for hearings or turn up late. That's the first indication that you need to start looking for someone else. Try talking to people in the courts (photostat guys, oath commissioner, etc) to find out a decent lawyer with a good success rate.

6. Blame yourself your for the past. The onus of an abusive marriage lies solely with the abuser. Normal people do not abuse others.

7. Get bogged down for the fear of the tag of a 'divorce'. The society is going through a major metamorphosis and to a major extent, divorce is not that big a deal now. You do not owe anyone any explanation anyway. As long as you are safe and sound, it's all good. Consider this as a 'good riddance' and start your life afresh.

8. Never plan a child.  "A child brings the couple together" is only applicable in case of normal people with normal psyches. If your partner is abusive, there's a fair chance that he would turn out to be abusive with the kids as well. It'll get all the more difficult for you to get out of the relationship then. Walk out with no strings attached. You shouldn't make things more complicated than they are already.

9. Find a rebound. Give yourself some time to heal and overcome your encumbrances. You will either fall into another rut or drag someone else into your mess. Give yourself some time. Explore your own self. Figure out what you want in life.

10. Turn cynical. A horrible experience should not change you as a person. No two people are alike. Don't lose faith in humanity. You're stronger than you think you are. Don't turn into a cynic. Don't give up on life. Move on. You never know what the future has in store for you. Be positive. Your happiness and future depends on you alone.

DEFENCE AND PARAMILITARY PERSONNEL'S WIVES:

Indian Defence and Paramilitary forces take good care of the women and children. Cases of abuse are taken very seriously in the forces and the abusive men are grilled nice and proper, even before the cases go to the civil courts. A decent amount of maintenance will be given to the victim wife and the kids.

What you should do:
1. Never try to cover it up. Hiding it will not help you out. Army is like a family and you'll get plenty of support from people here.
2. Report the matter to your husband's CO (commanding officer) and Brigade Commander.
3. Write a complaint to the Chairperson of your respective Association. Check out the links below:

ARMY: AWWA (Army Wives Welfare Association) : http://awwa.in/contact-us.php

AIR-FORCE: AFWWA (Air-force Wives Welfare Association) : http://indianairforce.nic.in/show_page.php?pg_id=62

Navy: NWWA  (Navy Wives Welfare Association): http://www.irfc-nausena.nic.in/irfc/nwwa/html/contactus.htm

BSF: BWWA (BSF Wives Welfare Association) : http://www.bsf.nic.in/bwwa/contact_us.html

GREF: GREWWA (GREF Employees Wives Welfare Association) : http://grewwa.org/contact.html

ITBP: HWWA (Himveer Wives Welfare Association) : http://itbpolice.nic.in/itbpwebsite/ContactUs.html

WHAT FAMILY AND FRIENDS OF THE VICTIM SHOULD DO:

1. Extend support: Extend your support in every possible way you can. Lend her your ears and time. Offer her a place to stay, rescue her, make all important calls (victim's parents, cops, NGO), ring the doorbell, be a call away.

2. Never tell them to 'adjust': I find the word 'adjust' absolutely crazy. Adjustment is made from both sides. It takes two to tango..Your relationship cannot sail through if only you put in all the effort. It'll exhaust you off completely.

3. Never tell them to be the calm: Staying silent doesn't solve any problem. Peace at home is the responsibility of both partners and love and respect are absolutely mutual.

4. Show them the mirror: Make them understand how horrible things are and what might happen. Tell them that they deserve a healthy and happy life and not the mess they're going through. Tell them that no matter how hard they try, it is never going to be enough for the abusive partner. Let them know that the abuse is not their fault. But if you find them unrelenting to the fact, just be there as a friend and hear them out. Victims take a while to accept that they are in a horrible relationship and Stick around for your friend.

5. Tell them that you are there: Victims need that reassurance that someone is there for them.

6. Help them devise an SOS plan: Keep a code word or something. Help her escape.

7. Encourage her to contact the right authorities: Contact a support group / NGO on behalf of your friend and offer to take the victim there. Accompany the victim to the police station, lawyer's office and court.

8. Don't lose your cool: Even though seeing someone you care about go through a murky relationship can be quite frustrating, especially when the victim is not mentally prepared to move out, let the victim decide for herself. You can't do anything till the victim makes up her mind to call it quits. Have patience.

10. Never tell them to plan a baby:
Things will only get murkier with the arrival of the child. Your relative / friend will find it all the more difficult to get out of the abusive relationship. You don't want another life going through it.

11. Refrain from giving legal advice if you have absolutely no knowledge:
Half knowledge is worse than no knowledge. Get the right help for the victim. Refrain from giving any 'legal advice'.

12. If your family member / friend ends the relationship: Let her talk it out. Even though the horrifying chapter is over, she still might need emotional support. Don't discourage her from talking about it. Talking will cleanse her system for good. She'll get out of it much faster. Hear her out. Be there for her.

13. Never blame her for their divorce and never remind her of their past. Unless and until she wants to talk about it, let bygones be bygones. You don't bring up the topic.


14. Bell bajao - Ring the bell. Stand up against any injustice. Call the authorities. Be a responsible citizen and don't just be a selfish soul, who walks around with blinkers and ignores everything around. Let go off the "it doesn't affect me, I shouldn't bother" syndrome.

* WHAT IS 'Stridhan': (excerpts taken from www.shaaditimes.com)

- Anything a woman can claim as her property. This may include any property owned by her.
-Woman's salary, if she's working.
-Property acquired by the woman by her own endeavour.
-Property purchased by a woman's 'stridhan' automatically becomes her 'stridhan'.
-Jewelery (gifted by her parents, in-laws, husband, relatives friends, family friends-whether from bride's side of groom's side), gifts presented to her at the time of the wedding or later.
-Articles given by her parents gifts from a woman's relations during maidenhood, course of marriage or widowhood.
-Gifts from strangers during maidenhood, course of marriage and widowhood, absolute gift at the time of partition of assets bequeathed during maidenhood, course of marriage and widowhood.
-Any amount of money given to her by relatives or parents or people from the groom's side at the time of the wedding or later (shaguns).

Rights of a woman over her 'Stridhan': 

- A woman holds exclusive and absolute right over her stridhan.
- Includes movable and immovable property.
- She holds a right to sell, give away, alienate her stridhan as she pleases, both during her lifetime and thereafter.
- The husband or his family have no right over a woman's stridhan.

Educated women these days maintain a list of their 'stridhan' and are capable of looking after their own 'stridhan' by keeping their jewellery and instruments of money (FD's, property documents, policies, etc) in their personal lockers.

In a lot of Indian families, women are forced to hand over their 'stridhan'. Now, you know that it's rightfully, exclusively and absolutely yours.

I'm not embarrassed or ashamed to talk about the issue. Neither should you! The only people who SHOULD be embarrassed and ashamed are the perpetrators who derive sadistic pleasure out of violence!

Marriage / relationship is not just between a woman and a man but between two best friends, two confidants, two lovers, two people who appreciate each other's efforts and presence, two people who care about each other, two people who respect each other and can't even imagine not being with each other. Life is too short to do anything but bask in pure happiness.

We need to teach our sons about gender equality, to be sensitive and respect women (not turn them into Demigods). We need to teach our daughters to stand up for their dignity and encourage them to have their own opinions. We also need to give them a better set of values. We need to teach our kids to be compassionate.

A BIG THANK YOU TO MY EXTREMELY PRECIOUS MUM AND DADDY  WHO STOOD BY MY SIDE THROUGHOUT AND CONTINUE TO DO SO; MY LAWYER, WHO'S MORE LIKE A BROTHER TO MY DAD AND HAS BEEN A CONSTANT SUPPORT SYSTEM; FAMILY FRIENDS AND MY OLD BUDDIES WHO KEPT OUR SPIRITS HIGH AND LET ME POUR MY HEART OUT!! I CAN'T THANK YOU ALL ENOUGH!! I DEDICATE THIS TO ALL OF YOU!!

-Surbhi Tangri

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